My motive, and I will make it clear and look you in the eyes, is to attack major league baseball. That's my motive. - Jose Canseco When I was a small boy in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing. I told him I wanted to be a real Major League baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish. - Dwight D Eisenhower Anyone interested in becoming a professional umpire and becoming eligible to work in the minor leagues must attend one of the two umpire schools sanctioned by Major League Baseball. - Jim Evans That's what Major League Baseball's steroid scandal was all about, the hidden harm in competitive sports that sends the wrong message to the young. - Suzanne Fields Growing up, I looked up to major league baseball players, and now these young women have amazing, incredible women all across the board, from swimming to gymnastics to softball to basketball. - ...

Now, you tell me, if I have a day off during the baseball season, where do you think I'll spend it? The ballpark. I still love it. Always have, always will. - Harry Caray With one decision, Judge Sotomayor changed the entire dispute. Her ruling rescued the 1995 baseball season and forced the parties to resume real negotiations. - David Cone

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? - Jim Bouton It really gets into your system. All baseball players have this internal clock around February when it starts to kick in and the juices start to flow. I think underestimated how much I was going to miss it. - David Cone The reason I didn't take the baseball route is because they don't have rankings for baseball players. - Jim Courier Growing up, I looked up to major league baseball players, and now these young women have amazing, incredible women all across the board, from swimming to gymnastics to softball to basketball. - Jennie Finch Isn't it strange how upset people get about a few dozen baseball players taking growth hormones, when we're doing what were doing to our food animals and feeding them to our children? - Jonathan Safran Foer There was but one question he left unasked, and it vibrated between his lines: if gro...

A baseball manager is a necessary evil. - Sparky Anderson A baseball manager recognizes a nonphysical talent, hustle, as an essential gift of great players and great teams. It is the characteristic of running faster than necessary, moving sooner than necessary, trying harder than necessary. It is essential for great programming teams, too. - Frederick P Brooks Jr What baseball managers did do, on occasion, beginning in the early 1980s, was hire some guy who knew how to switch on the computer. But they did this less with honest curiosity than in the spirit of a beleaguered visitor to Morocco hiring a tour guide: pay off one so that the seventy-five others will stop trying to trade you their camels for your wife. Which one you pay off is largely irrelevant. - Michael Lewis Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players? - Jay Mohr

Do you have to kill people every time you take a piss?" Eve locked the men's room door behind her. God, he loved looking at her. Even with her hair tucked in a baseball hat she was breathtaking. "No, they killed themselves after I unleashed my colossal penis. It happens everywhere I go. - Debra Anastasia tom clancy probably wears a baseball hat when he has sex - Megan Boyle All the men were driving home from work, wearing railroad hats, baseball hats, all kinds of hats, just like after work in any town anywhere. - Jack Kerouac

Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do -- you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove. - Jodi Picoult I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don't toss me a basketball-sized rumination. - Jarod Kintz There are a lot of people who influenced me, nurtured me, helped me along the way. But I can just recall looking back, the first time I got my baseball glove. Put it on the wrong hand, all those kind of things. - Dave Winfield

The student body was huge at UT and you had to mature pretty quick, very quick actually. I enjoyed it and it helped me a lot in my life in general - not only in the classroom but on the baseball field as well. - Roger Clemens There was but one question he left unasked, and it vibrated between his lines: if gross miscalculations of a person's value could occur on a baseball field, before a live audience of thirty thousand, and a television audience of millions more, what did that say about the measurement of performance in other lines of work? If professional baseball players could be over- or under valued, who couldn't? - Michael Lewis If you could equate the amount of time and effort put in mentally and physically into succeeding on the baseball field and measured it by the dirt on your uniform, mine would have been black. - Mike Schmidt He tries to picture how it will end, with an empty baseball field, a dark factory, and then over a brook in a dirt road, he doesn't k...

The sentimentality of baseball is very deeply rooted in the American baseball fan. It is the one sport that is transmitted from fathers to sons. - Michael Lewis Many baseball fans look upon an umpire as a sort of necessary evil to the luxury of baseball, like the odor that follows an automobile. - Christy Mathewson It was the baseball fantasy of a lifetime - to be able to sit on the bench with all those professional athletes. I got to take my son along because I wasn't sure I would be able to play with them. - Matthew Modine He speaks in that strange sports talk, telling me about the start of the new season and asks if I follow baseball. No. I really don't. He assures me if I stay in town long enough I will become a baseball fan. It's a requirement of living in St. Louis. Everyone is a Cardinal's fan. "Loyal," he tells me. St. Louis is a loyal town. - Gwenn Wright

If you spend any time in Washington you'll find nerds. What happens is most of them sublimate their fixations with comics, or baseball cards, or 1960s British comedies to policy minutiae and political arcana. But, like Christians in ancient Rome, you can still spot them if you know the signals. - Jonah Goldberg If love were a collection of collections, would your relationship be banged-up baseball cards, or famous art? - Jarod Kintz I always thought that it was kind of silly that a baseball card could be worth so much money. - Matthew Modine President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. - Conan Obrien I knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no picture. - Bob Uecker

You want to be queen of the mountain, you take that crown and wear it with pride. It's gonna look great on you. Me? I'm more of a baseball cap kind of guy. - Louisa Edwards All these fifty-year-old guys wearing baseball caps and shorts and acting like children. It winds me up. Men don't have to take responsibility anymore. Most of the guys I know would punch me on the nose for saying this, but maybe we do have to bring back conscription. - Chrissie Hynde Kay was only half skinny-dipping, but she fervently wished she'd worn something a bit more substantial than a baseball cap and the bottom half of the quintessential teeny-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini. - Babette James A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off. - Jarod Kintz Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know that a pink baseball cap with a dildo glued on top isn't a "hard hat"? - Jarod Kintz If I could rotate my neck 180 degre...

He leaned deeper toward me and said softly, "I'm gonna tell you what I make of this. What I make of it, Gwendolyn, is if my woman had a sister who I knew was in some serious shit, she would not be havin' a chat with Kane Allen, she would not be sleepin' alone and therefore she would not ever have to worry about whether she needs a baseball bat of crowbar because she'd be in bed beside me." Mitch Lawson - Kristen Ashley And so, my beloved Kermit, my dear little Hussein, at the moment America changed forever, your father was wandering an ICBM-denuded watseland, nervously monitoring his radiation level, armed only with a baseball bat, a 10mm pistol, and six rounds of ammunition, in search of a vicious gang of mohawked marauders who were 100 percent bad news and totally had to be dealth with. Trust Daddy on this one. - Tom Bissell They took a baseball bat and whacked open his head. Mummy Boy fell to the ground; he finally was dead. Inside of his head were no ...